I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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