I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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