Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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