I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Randomize
