I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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