His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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