So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
