So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
sarcasm needs its own font
did i walk over a car last night?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
