I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
