Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
