...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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