i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
