i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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