everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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