I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
