I wish my penis had an off switch
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
