Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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