This is not my ceiling
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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