i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
