I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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