just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
