I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
