i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Someone came in the potted fern
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
