She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you traded sex for a burrito?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Randomize
