Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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