So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
