i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much rum. So many feels.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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