im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?