Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
