I'm laying in your front yard are you home
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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