I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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