i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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