three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
