I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
