why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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