All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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