wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
