I hate your face
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
