he puts the penis in happiness.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
