I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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