apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
