They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
