how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
