I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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