dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Randomize
