you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
