A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
