ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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