Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
