Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
