My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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