This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
