and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize