i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm passing your future prison.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
