just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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