this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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