I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
