Fine. I'll sleep in my office
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
