Too much gin, very little bucket
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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