Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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