Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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