I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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